This past Wednesday I suffered the tragic loss of a close family member to cancer. The initial wave of pain has come and gone but the pain of my grief still lingers. I've experienced many deaths in my family over the years but this is the first one to hit different due to how intimate of a relationship I had with them.
As of right now while writing this, I can best describe my experience as such. It felt like Wednesday someone had an iron grip on my heart and after 24 hours finally let go so now my heart is sore. I'm not sure how long I will have to endure this but I pray it will fade in due time. Mentally, I feel gaslit. I feel like a part of my reality has been ripped away and no one wants to recognize or maybe my brain doesn't want to recognize it was ever there in the first place. When I try to think about it, I get blue screened with an Error 404 message.
I'm sad and my instinct is to call this person up to talk or hop in my car and go see them but I hit that wall knowing I can't do that anymore. I will forever be denied that privilege and I have to find a way to move past that. It's not fair. Right now, reason is not present so I can't rationalize myself out of this. There is honestly nothing logic or reason can do for me that will truly relieve me of this suffering because logic and reason doesn't have the power to bring my loved one back. The hard truth is that I must endure this slow burning candle I call my grief.
Spiritually, I'm tired. For three years, I've had to witness my family member struggle and fight against cancer only for their health to swan dive off a cliff in the past two months. A silver lining is that in my heart and mind, I know I did what I could from the beginning to have a clear conscience for when death finally took them. Three years of visits and helping. Time I took out of my busy life to spend with them, I don't regret it. My pain primarily comes from the aforementioned loss but also knowing that I won't be able to continue those good times anymore. My world has shrunk and it will take time to adjust.
I am thankful for the time I was able to spend with my family member and as God would have it, I was able to be around when they finally passed away. I was going to go out of town on Thursday to visit family, so the idea was to stay the night with my dying family member and hit the road the next morning. Earlier that day, I was asked by the family I was going to visit if I could reschedule. No problem, still decided to stay the night at my dying family member's house as planned. At 10pm, I helped administer their medicine and went to bed. By 11:30pm, I was aroused to be informed my family member had died. By the time hospice, the coroner, and funeral home were called, it was about 2:30 or 3am. It was a long night with little sleep.
As Fulton Sheen once explained, God lets bad things happen because they can be used as salvation for others. For those unaware of the fact, pain and suffering can be offered up as prayer for others. The pain and suffering my family and I have endured resulted in much prayer which I hope Christ accepts to help sway his final judgment more towards mercy. Additionally, I pray for the acts of love and care we performed he holds that into account when our day finally comes when we must account for our time on Earth.
The best I can do for right now is lean on loved ones, friends, and companions and to keep to as normal of a routine as possible. I must continue to pray for the soul of my family member and also for everyone involved in this loss, including myself. May we find peace.
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